Everything went smoothly in getting to the island until I wound up in a hum vee screeching down a narrow dirt road surrounded by jungle. I kept asking the driver, a leathery cameraman, to slow it down buddy, but got silence and faster speeds in response. We crested a hill and I was greeting by a magnificent wash of blue-green water. At the bottom of the hill was a boat dock, at it a boat emblazoned Survivor.

Examining the boat, I saw two people, both female, inside it applying sunscreen. This was when I remembered my luxury item. �Yo, MuteMan! Cue my soundtrack!� He leaned over me, opened the door, and pushed me out onto the sand. �You mother fucker!� I yelled toward him as I tried to pick myself up and brush off as gracefully as possible. The girls in the boat simply nodded.

�Hey y�all,� I projected as I walked over to the boat. �You goin� my way?�

�You�ve got sand in your hair,� the dark-haired girl informed me. I immediately recognized her as loudwoman by the tattoos.

"Dude, that man was an ass!" I said, trying to shake the sand out. The sand stayed, but my product-full hair turned into a huge frizzy mess.

�C�mon in,� the other one invited. �I think you�re the one we�re waiting on. My stomach�s all kinds of wacky in anticipation of this island.� She looked off in the distance before adding, �Ah, but there�s nothing like knowing your husband can�t prance off to a hotel to escape the kids.� Her satisfied little smile clued me in. This lady was Joanna.

As expected, once I got in, the boat pushed off. My stomach lurched with it. In true raw style, I muttered a stream of expletives while holding my stomach and rocking.

"Are you gonna hurl?" loudwoman inquired. "If you do, over the side, please & thank you." She was the picture of confidence with hair neatly tucked, glasses perched at the ready, and skin hidden behind a layer of dark clothing.

Joanna laughed at me before slipping me some Dramamine. "I brought this just for these situations. You never know what�s gonna happen." I popped one, swallowing with the help of spit as there was no fresh water to be had.

"If I pass out, just roll me out of the boat. Don�t try to lift me." I gave them both my no-nonsense glare. loudwoman�s face read perfectly as if while Joanna simply laughed.

What seemed like an hour of less-sickening-due-to-OTC-medicine boating and we were pulling up to the island. Already parked and imbibing were Matt, Scud, and Ms. M. We scrambled out of the boat and were barely on the ground when it zoomed off in the direction from whence we�d come.

"Yeah and fuck you too!" I yelled after it. I lumbered up to the merging group, my feet sliding in the sand. Damn do I hate wearing shoes at the beach. Matt produced three small coconut halves and poured a shot of Jack for each of us. loudwoman finished hers off in 1.2 seconds, wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and promptly tossed the coconut bowl into the sand. Joanna sipped hers like hot coffee while surveying the surrounds. I chugged mine down and held it back out for more. That raised a whole round of slaps on the back and guffawing laughter from my girl M.

�Bout time you showed up,� she said to us en masse. �We�d�ve drunk this bottle given another half hour alone.� I could see by her mischievous snicker and gleaming eyes that she was buzzed. Scud watched us warily, positioning himself so as to not have his back to any of us. I couldn�t tell if he�d actually consumed any of the liquor, though his fierce posture and unrelenting gaze made me think he�d only pretended.

We all set to finding comfy logs for sitting on. It was still early and not too hot yet, so we decided to enjoy the first hour or so in relative comfort. The island�s lush vegetation stood in green contrast to the light blue sky. There was a slight breeze coming in from the ocean that only slightly moved the ball my hair had become during the boat ride. I asked if anyone had thought to ask for conditioner.

We�d just gotten into a story of Scud�s Adventures in Last Call when I saw a dark figure floating down on us from above. Damn, there�s God, I thought at first, dismayed at the thought that our jovial little group would be put on check. However, the closer the shape came to ground, we realized it was not a deity, but Angeline.

She landed with a thwack and after extracting herself from her harness, gave us a rousing "I�m here!" I again commented on the sharpness of that perfect widow�s peak as she bowed to our clapping and cheering. �Thanks,� she said with a wink, �I like it too.�

We quickly got her a Jack & coconut and seated ourselves back on our logs. Angeline was rubbing her ass from where the harness had squeezed a little too tightly. �I�m gonna have to walk this one off,� she decided.

Ms. M mentioned that we could go ahead and get going on building our shelter and collecting some firewood. We agreed to split up. Matt, being an aficionado of all things architecture, staked a claim in shelter-building. Loudwoman , not being one to haul sticks, decided to stick it out with him. Angeline, Ms. M, and I went in search of burnable things (with my admonition that green things don�t burn, they smoke) while Joanna and Scud scouted water.

We were deep in the woods when I heard a rustling sound. �Are there people-eating animals on this island?� I asked hesitantly. We all stood very still as out popped July, laughing at the intense fear on our faces.

�Alright now!� he laughed, �If I bite you, don�t worry, I�ve had my shots.� Angeline was the first to recover, though M. and I belly-laughed for another good two minutes.

�What exactly are you doing out here?� I asked him. I knew there was no way he�d parachuted in like Angeline, but what was he doing in the woods?

�Well, the idiot boat people dropped me off on the wrong side, so I�ve been using my navigational skills. I�ve been to the east, west, and south points on the island. I�m just heading north now.� Angeline, M., and I kinda gaped at July�s response.

�Uh, I was kinda expecting you to say you�d had to pee or something,� Angeline said. �But, uh, we�re gathering firewood if you wanna join in.� I could tell Angeline was used to lifting heavy things by the way she plowed through the twigs looking for more significant branches.

With four armfuls and July�s skills, we wound our way back to the group. Matt and Loudwoman now had two others working on their masterpiece. We dropped the wood by the sitting logs and went over to make introductions. The first one to be introduced was the flame-haired temptress herself, Ginger. She gestured to her companion-in-newness. �This is Magpie,� she announced, �as if you couldn�t tell by the buttons.�

Magpie indeed had buttons. On everything. Shiny squares and circles and stars in textures ranging from brushed chrome to gold leaf. Magpie secured a palm-beam wall and then walked up to us, her buttons gleaming in the low light. We exchanged baseball love, she and July exchanged some calico love, and that�s right when we heard a huge belt of laughter coming from down the island.

Turning to see the commotion, I saw four figures walking toward us. I made out Joanna, figured at least one other figure was Scud, and tried to decipher who that might be with them. It took no time at all as I soon distinguished the letters F-E-R-A-N-D-O in white against a black tee shirt.

�That�s Chrome,� I shouted, waving toward the group. The fourth person was male, with a scabbed up eyebrow piercing, and the cutest shoes. I knew that had to be Kinetix. �Chrome!� I projected to him, �You spelled Fernando wrong!!�

The group chorused in laughter as Chrome shrugged his shoulders. We all made our way to the logs to have a break as Chrome explained the tee shirt dilemma. �See, I bought the fucking letters, but did they have two Ns? Hell no. Of course not. They had two fucking Is, but one N. One N! Who needs two Is?!!� We were all dying by this time, but he clinched the final answer with, �Ferando is much better than Fernado, dontcha think?�

We had to agree. Matt and Loud announced the shelter was ready, minus a few comfy touches such as a floor. We all agreed that his minimalist approach had definitely worked out. �So you think we�ll survive?� He asked us. And that�s when I remembered. My soundtrack! Where the hell was my soundtrack?!

�Did y�all get your luxury items yet?� I asked. Indeed, there was not one single luxury item available, minus Magpie�s buttons, but they were sewn into her clothing so that didn�t count. We were mulling over ways to screw CBS when Kinetix pointed out a vehicle in the distance. Great, that fuckhead is gonna run us down now, I thought.

However, it turned out to be Heather. And this hummer was stockpiled with luxury! We kinda bumrushed the poor girl, but she took it in stride. Her demeanor, though quiet, was not without humor. �I�m the bitch, I guess,� she joked as she climbed out of the hummer. �Not only did I not get to swim with the dolphins on the way over,� she lamented, �but I also had to pack all this stuff and drive it down here!�

I tried to figure out if she�d really wanted to swim in what could be shark-infested water or if she�d seen the Blue Lagoon enough times to know there�s no logical way Richard could�ve beaten the damn thing. I guessed she was being silly and joined my cohorts in plundering the vehicle for luxuries. Heather stood off to the side, her luxury hanging on her shoulder. It was a small television.

�You a GH fan too?� I asked her. M. heard that comment and immediately popped up from the hummer, a string of silver beads caught in her hair � which were immediately grabbed by Magpie.

�Oh, no!� Heather corrected, �I don�t have much time for tv. This is a one-way receiver that�s connected to back home. Through this I can keep an eye on my animals and make sure they�re safe.� I gave her the hmm-that�s-cool nod and dove into the hummer, searching in vain for my hot D.J.

Everyone had loot. July clutched a miniture-Nelly that I later realized turned into a fountain pen and Kinetix was already pulling the strings of his new Solo JC marionette. Magpie was absorbed in the reflection of the sun off her beads as they hit the side of the hummer, Loud had a sweet beaded curtain to hang in the shelter, and Ms. M was building a shrine to her GH tapes. Soon Joanna was busy scrapbooking with her Creative Moments galore, Angeline was hauling her year�s worth of Krispy Kreme to the shelter, and Ginger was coveting her framed divorce papers from the slimy Ex. I saw Chrome showing off his plastic Kevin Smith mask, and Scud unleashing a fury of excitement and waving around what I found out was a contract for a first edition Scud-designed comic series.

But, Matt and I came up cold. No luxuries left. Slightly embarrassed to admit that I�d actually asked for a soundtrack with a real live hot D.J., I asked Matt about his luxury. �Well,� he began, �I�ve always wanted some running commentary�.�

He was interrupted by a screeching roar of feedback. �Excuse me,� a booming voice proclaimed from over our heads. God again?, I wondered. Magpie quickly pointed out sparkly new speakers strapped to the tops of at least ten palm trees. �Excuse me, Survivors, this is your running commentary. I will explain obvious and tedious facts to you throughout your stay on the island.� Matt beamed with happiness.

I was still moping, though. I mean, how they gonna give Matt some running commentary? Where�s my D.J?!! And then I saw him. A hot Latino lover off to the side behind a grass camouflaged stand. He smiled at me with thick pink lips before launching into the cheesiest, yet perfect for my soundtrack song that had Kinetix up and dancing from the first bar: I Will Survive.

The beach soon turned into a choreographed dance scene complete with leg kicks and back flips. And I knew this was only the beginning.