it's almost noon and my nifty new pedometer says i've walked all of .09 miles. booyow! i guarantee you're all jealous of my strutful self.

sometimes, when trying to write here, i rest my fingers on the keyboard, cock my head, and stare off into space. all this does is stimulate my desire to sleep, so i don't know why i keep doing it. perhaps one day i'll be struck by a revelation the size of texas. but i doubt it.

i watched this corny movie this weekend - Buying The Cow. ever seen it? it was typical and nonchallenging, but i was struck by a line of dialogue.

woman: the worst thing you can do is lose the person you love because you're afraid of commitment.

man: no, the worst thing you can do is commit to the wrong person because you're afraid of loneliness.

ain't THAT the damned truth. luckily, i know my fears come from that nasty commitment phobia and not from any hesitation about whether or not miller is the perfect fit for me. we're interlocking pieces, this i know.

however, in light of that mini-revelation, and after watching antoine fisher and crying through the entire movie, i have stumbled on my 5 year plan. it involves spitting out a biological kid next year (2005) and then fostering/adopting american kids after 2009.

cause, ya know, not enough american kids are adopted. or fostered. and i have the ability, the desire, and the resources to pitch in. is this a resolution? i hadn't really thought of that til just now, but i don't think it is. when i saw the angelina jolie interview with barbara walters and she said "i cannot consciously birth a child knowing there are so many in this world with no family," i completely agreed. that spoke to me. that has been my secret belief that i'm only now voicing.

however, i must compromise with my partner who intently wants a biological child. selfish though i think it is, i understand the biological/social urge to father and raise your offspring. but after that? i'm done with procreating.

uh. i got off track here. i suppose commitment and family and my sociopolitcal ideas are all interconnected, but i think i came here wanting to tell you that i'm up and moving and trying to use 2004 to set up the rest of my life.

i also wanted to tell you that listening to rickie lee jones and reading color lines is not the way to discourage myself.