gyn appt in thirty.

i dread this. i have dreaded the doctor in any manifestation since i was fourteen years old. that's the time i got the hiccups so bad i had to go the emergency room.

the next day my mother took me to the doctor for a follow up. you'd think they'd have checked my chest, perhaps given me a pulmonary function test or x rays.

nope. instead i had to submit to a pap smear and cavity probe. it was humiliating. and not so much because of what it was, but because i knew it was unnecessary. my mother knew it was unnecessary. hell, i think the doctor even knew it. but, despite our protestations, we submitted anyway.

i submitted. and was so angry and embarrassed and powerless that i've never felt safe with a doctor since. i'm asking the universe to be on my side with this one and let all go well.