today makes two years. two years since i last had any contact with my first Big Love.

he wrote me a letter dated 9-9-00 in which he systematically and summarily ripped my heart out and ate it. of course, that's how i felt upon reading the letter, but only cause it dashed my pride while rubbing a very very sore spot.

okay. here's the letter. keep in mind i have not spoken to this kid since i received this letter. i hope to never exchange thoughts him again.

Dear Raw,
Assalamu Alaikum! I don't want to hurt your feelings and I don't want to alienate you in anyway. I've never been in a situation like this before. It's not really fair for me to make an opinion about a person based on 1 day. [Your Friend] is captivating. I don't even know how to put it. I felt sucked into her eyes. It seems like she has a boyfriend though. It was weird for me because I was happy to see you and yet she was so beautiful. She's soft and intelligent and lovely and I've tried not to think about her like that cuz I don't even know her and she's your friend and she's already taken and if I saw her again would i feel the same? I've been attracted to girls before that I didn't even know but she reached down my throat and grabbed my stomach. I wasn't going to say anything to you because honestly I did not know what to say. I've tried to explain the best I could. I would like to see her again only if you're fine with this and she is single. Not one or the other but both. I don't know how it would be because I don't even know her. The last thing I need is to go bananas for another man's woman. I'm sure she would make a nice friend if she did have a boyfriend but how would I handle her playing with my stomach like that? I'm tired now and I want to send this off to you as soon as I can. There's a lot I feel that we need to talk about. You'll hear from me soon. I believe in you and think you'll do fine wherever you are. Believe in yourself. You've accomplished so much and your life is just getting started. Keep your head up!
--MG

did y'all catch how he first let me know that my friend is what caught his attention and THEN let me know i would survive his rejection? did y'all see that shit? keep your fucking head up? what the fuck is that?

so, i decided after reading this that that mother fucker was not operating in the real fucking world. i have said not a word to him. we live in the same town now and i see him all the time and he tries to puppy dog eye his way into a conversation with him. i look right through him and go about my business. fuck him. fuck the five years i spent with him. fuck the friendships i ruined because of him and his insecurities. fuck the memories i have of him and definitely fuck the way he made everyone believe i used him up and tossed him aside.

it's been two very very good years without his fucking monkey on my back. i hope he found his factory princess and lives a magical factory life, but i'll be damned if he'll do it with any of my friends.

will i sound even more bitter if i say i hope he fucking rots? cause i'm not really bitter about not being with him. i'm bitter for ever wasting so much of my life on him. i'm bitter for becoming so dependent on him that i allowed people to see me the way he wanted them to rather than stand up for myself. i'm bitter cause i could've been with my love back then, but wasn't cause that mother fucker hated my love, hated my friendship with my love, hated knowing how well my love knew me.

anyway, it's been two years. it's so over and i'm so glad cause i have Real Love now. and i treasure it.