i have a new kitten. how cute and precious he is! i should say, he seems cute and precious. actually, he's not very cute. he's seriously malnourished and has this long skinny face with huge radar ears. when he looks at you it's as if he's examining a fly on the back of your head - i'm talking, straight through you.

man oh man. i've never had a boy pet before, but hopefully my many previous girl pets will have prepared me. and damn have there been many - with personalities and destinies just as different*. let's see:

- Carry Upsie: a dog. my mother's favorite dog, actually. she was run down while chasing cars with her pups. the wench who failed to stop accused Carry Upsie of "jumping in front of her car," but we all saw plain as day the woman gunning for her. i don't care what anyone says.

- Snooker: a bird. my little sister asked our mama for a parrot so she could wear an eye patch while teaching it curse words. we wound up with a cockatiel who did nothing but fucking tweet at all hours of the day and night. my mother wound up taking it outside to "air the cage." the next morning my sister was in tears cause the cage was aired, and the bird was gone. thank god. my mother still denies that she had anything to do with this.

- Mabel: a gerbil. this one bit the dust at the hands of my sister. my older sister and i were plotting out the fortune we could make on gerbil babies, but my lil sister foiled our plan when she reached into the cage, clamped her four-year-old hands on her treasured booty and squeezed poor Mabel's guts out.

- Hansel and Gretel: kittens. these cuties were both orange tabbies. twins, i think. they liked to follow us around. unfortunately, they followed my older sister out the door one day and she didn't realize it. the screen door slammed back, broadsiding their tiny skulls. the poor babies went into seizures, performing morbid cannonballs down our metal front steps. my sister has yet to forgive herself for this tragedy.

- Jinx and Jazz: kittens. these were not twins. Jinx was a feral black kitten my father found down at the river. he brought it back for me, but it hated all humans and spent the majority of its time locked in the bathroom. Jazz, my sister's kitten, was a calico acquired around the same time as Jinx. Jazz was everyone's favorite, but i hated her cause i wanted Jinx to be everyone's favorite. i was convinced i could teach her to not bite and hiss and claw. feeling horrible for keeping her marooned in the tiny bathroom, i let Jinx out one day. she got outside and disappeared. we saw her days later, hanging out of the mouth of the neighbor's rottweiler. soon after, Jazz met her untimely death under the wheels of our Pinto stationwagon. we buried what was left of Jinx, but that winter, she resurfaced. we found her in the arms of my lil sister who was rejoicing, "look! she doesn't bite!" we reburied her, but this time actually planked her a casket.

- Patches: dog. we initially assumed this huge black stray was a scalawag intent on begging food and then sticking us with her pups as we found her pregnant, plundering our trash bins. rather than claiming No Room at the Inn, my mother allowed Patches to stay. the aforementioned pups were birthed behind our trailer's underpinning and given away to good homes. we thought Patches was a keeper, but she came down with Parvo and had to be put to sleep.

- Alley and Buster: guinea pigs. i have no idea how or why we wound up with these two, but i hated them. they eventually mutinied, escaping their cages. Alley got trapped behind the dryer and burned up. Now solo, Buster was allowed to sleep with my sister, but he ate up all her hair and was forced to live down the block with the Carls. Buster might be alive, but I'm not sure since one of the Carls liked to dress as a bunny and preach the gospel while the other Carl had a deep appreciation for young boys. who knows what became of Buster.

- Catch Up: kitty. i found this darlin' up in a tree during a rainstorm. she resembled a drowned scurvied rat, so i took her in and fattened her up. she lived with us until i left for college. she also had millions of kittens. i took her to a farm in west sanford, but after getting pregnant (again), she found her way back to our house. she had two feral babies (Worm and Cow) in our basement and then disappeared. the neighbor boys killed Worm by sticking a firecracker up his butt. Cow was run over.

- Shitty Kitty: kitten. this little treasure was procured while i was living in the dorm. some fink ratted us out and i handed Shitty Kitty over to the authorities. she was supposed to go to a good home, but it came through the grape vine that she ran away or was stolen.

- Georgia: kitten. this drooling lovebaby traveled with me from Boston to North Carolina in the cab of a U-haul full of people and babies. i recently gave her to an elderly woman because my Plucky became Master Torturer. that's no good.

- Mambo: bird. this was a stupid mistake on my part. we liked her at first, but she was evil. she'd bite my fingers and flick bird poo at my Plucky. when we let her out of her cage, she'd fly at our heads. she now lives with a fellow parakeet named Cha Cha. i hope he kills her.

there have also been fish named Winston, Dixie, Don Tierra del Fuego, and Poisson, but they don't count since they died before establishing a good relationship with me. but now! now we have BIJOU!! the most recent addition to the family. he's a boy, but perhaps this means he'll survive us. full name: Prince Bijou Maurice.

*please note: no animals were intentionally harmed or killed by anyone in my family. i mean, we live in the country - these things happen.