i just tallied up what my love and i pay in bills. can i just say that i pay almost 3x what he does? of course, i make about 2x more money than he does, but damn! i'm all fucked with the student loans (why oh why did no one tell me i'd get a masters only to be hired for a job where my boss only finished high school?).

i suppose i get the extra money back in other ways. sex mainly. and good sweet lovin. but, i really wish i could for once not be the Man in my relationship. yes, i'm speaking in gender stereotypes here, but i was the Father in our little family dynamic and now i've got me a Wife. In my previous journal i wrote about my penetration fantasy. perhaps these go hand in hand.

yeah, i'm "feminist". i have to be. i'm a single working mixed poor mother of an adopted son. how could i not be? actually, i'm a humanist. i believe in the community before the individual. i believe that a woman is not free unless her brother is free as well. i believe that a woman of color is not free until her lovers or children are not in danger of being beaten in the street for no reason other than fear and hatred. so, i guess i'm more socially aware than i am "feminist."

but, the point is: i'm fucking poor! and being in a relationship - having 2 incomes - sharing responsibility - was supposed to alleviate this situation. i'm still poor. i love him. but i'd love it if he made more money. and how bout he won't go back to school or try to find another job. he's stuck in the dark ages of job security. like, if he stays there long enough, they have to promote him. uh, right. his example is some woman who worked her way up the hardee's ranks and is now making the whopping sum of $45K. big fucking deal. $45K and i'd still be digging out of the hole and i'll be damned if i do it serving up 2nd-rate fried chicken and star burgers.

okay. i'm done now. there's nothing i can do to change this situation. he's one of those men who do things the old fashioned way and then wonder why they keep getting fucked. all i can do is love him and encourage him to try a different direction. let's hope i don't wind up in the poor house before this pays off.

p.s. dammit that i love him cause if i didn't i'd be gone.