just when i think my life is too boring for the back of a cereal box, strange crazy bizarre things happen to me. i prefer them to happen one at a time, but today it was onslaught - like when you decide to do some fundipping and wind up ... anyway. on to the stories!

event #1: on the shuttle to the parking lot. it's just me and the beautiful nubian princess/shuttle driver (NPSD). we've never had a conversation that consisted of more than shared enthusiasm for mary j. blige or afrika bambaataa.

her music starts up and i realize it's toni braxton's 2000 hit man enough for me. i casually mention the time a boyfriend's exgirlfriend called me and left that song on my answering machine. not too much information, but a funny anecdote, right?

well, apparently i set her off cause she launched into a diatribe about how when her husband left her for another woman she knew he won't man enough. and now homegurl wants to step to her and be all "i loooove him" cause NPSD and the husband still sleep together and the new girlfriend thinks she got somethin to say about it.

the whole time this is being told to me i've got the deer in the headlights-please-let-me-off-this-shuttle look, but i still smile slightly, nod, and grunt "uh huh" at the appropriate places. NPSD informs me that she has slept with the husband four times in the THREE YEARS they've been "separated" and it ain't her problem he's lying to the girlfriend. it's on him.

i extract myself from this conversation by saying, "girl, i hope boy is fine the way you got it." she laughs, claps, and tells me in a loud voice, "and he can fuck too!"

event #2: harris teeter, rtp. i'm listing up and down the aisles in search of the perfect funny "i'm from north carolina" thing to put in my sister's care package and i come to the end of the bread aisle. i'm ready to puke. PUKE! it smelled just like diarrhea. i'm talking JUST LIKE. actually, it smelled like old diarrhea in a hot ass bathroom.

i realize the whole fucking store smells of it. i'm trying not to gag and have decided to make a break for the cash register when i realize where the odor is coming from. on the pet aisle, there are dozens of cans of opened, rotten, wet cat food. that shit permeated the whole store! i did not change my mind about seeking clean air and promptly made my way.

event #3: quiznos. i'm ordering a turkey and swiss w/ ranch salad and this dude keeps staring at me. i try to avoid eye contact, but i really just want to stare right back cause he's filthy and has crazy hair. in fact, my first thought was that he was the one true unibomber, but then i figured there wasn't one true unibomber.

but! i get to the register to pay for my salad and he sidles up to me.

Unibomber: you shure ar purty.

Me: uh, thanks (hands cashier some money, gives the HELP ME eyes)

U: you from 'round hur?

Me: yep (beginning to be annoyed that my stunning good looks have attracted yet another stray)

U: ya kno, i used ta be fat too. i was a biggun!

Me: (red with embarrassment, unable to speak, trying to gracefully get diet soda and go)

U: alls ya gotta do is not eat so much. that's it. i lost alotta weight! weel, and i drank a lot. you like ta drank?

Me: (ignoring Unibomber)

U: if ya ever wanna drank wit me or maybe ya wanna go fer a run wit me or somethin, ya just call me. i'll help ya!

Me: (tight smile) yeah, bye (darts around Unibomber and out the door, practically walks fast to car)

U: (yelling from door of quiznos) but ya shure ar purty! mm, mm, mm, ain't notin like a big womon!

so there you have it. two hours in the life of me. i'm sure jealousy is an understatement. i'll go pop some excedrin and contemplate my pants size now.